halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
