There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
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She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
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High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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