I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
