How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
