My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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