What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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