When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
