I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
