She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
