I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
