Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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