come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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