My underwear smells like fireworks.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
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My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
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Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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