I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.