she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
