someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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