I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Shame - the story of my life.
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