i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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