i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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