I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You made out with two different species that night
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
