Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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