My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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