He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
