ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
