I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.