I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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