i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake