I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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