Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
