ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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