my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
