Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
You can't motorboat a personality
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
