How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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