And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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