I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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