What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
