Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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