I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
