He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
