If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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