Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize