He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
