i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
