i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
