i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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