I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I puked a lego.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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