Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
