I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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