so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Randomize
