You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
how does that bad decision feel?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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