I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
that is very illegal...i love you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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