Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
