My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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