I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
