I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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