my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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