He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
