his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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